Friday, November 28, 2008
This past Monday we went to see my Dr. for a consultation about what will be happening next. And this is what is in store for us. First I will take some Provera to make my cycle start then I will have an ultra sound to give us the go ahead to start hormone shots. Then I will be closely monitored and when the timing is just right I will have to take my trigger shot. Then 2 days later we will have an IUI. So that is what is next in a NUT shell!
So how do we feel about ALL of this.... well I would have to say good! We seem to think that it will REALLY work this time because they will have ALL our issues under control. So us being naive and hopeful. Are hoping that we will pregnant by the NEW YEAR!!! I know I know we are getting our hopes WAY too up. BUT hey at least we are optimistic. So of course I will keep you updated on what happens. Because everything is TBD.
But I would like say that today is a good day, because as tradition unfolds today we can start decorating for Christmas! We will get our Christmas tree, go out to a special dinner and go see a Christmas move. This year the movie is "4 Christmases" I am SO EXCITED!!!! So I hope everyone has a WONDERFUL rest of Thanksgiving holiday!!
Saturday, November 15, 2008
It has been so weird this month without taking the hormone drugs and having to count days, take ovulation tests, going in to get blood work done, and stressing about which days we should be doing what. This month I have really started to feel like I am NOT strong enough to finish out this journey. I know that I have to keep going because giving up is NOT an option right now but FEAR of the unknown has really set in. My friends both online and in person have tried to fill me in on what lies in store for me, sharing tips and secrets to get through. But with Christmas coming and no baby in sight I have become some what depressed, so much so that I think I need to see a counselor.
I read a friend's blog the other day, she was talking about how hard the holidays are when you are dealing with infertility and it really brought me to tears because I felt like she knew EXACTLY what I was feeling. The other day I told William that I wanted to "GO AWAY" for Christmas, just disappear and not have to endure all that comes along with it. I don't know why that would be appealing, like if we disappear Christmas won't hurt and I will not have to be sad, but the honest truth is no matter where we are on Christmas we will still be sad. We will still think about all the traditions that we do and how wonderful they would be to share with a child. What makes this whole thought process sad is that William and I love Christmas it is our favorite holiday! And the thought of NOT celebrating really makes us so sad, so we are torn.
I just don't know what to do with myself. I have realized that this infertility thing has become an obsession. ALL that I talk and think about! Which I think is WRONG. I am more than just a woman who is dealing with infertility. I am a wife, friend, sister, aunt, and teacher. But some how I have lost who I am in this whole mess of infertility. I used to be a person who was almost ALL the time HAPPY! Now it seems that I am MOSTLTY sad. Because during the moments of joy in my life underlying them is my pain. It doesn't take much for me to cry and I feel like I don't smile enough. I feel like the happy person that I once was is now lost in a battle with something that I don't know if I will beat. This whole thing has really taken OVER our lives, we are trying to stay a float but we are struggling to stay above it.
How do I stop thinking and talking about it? I am afraid if I stop talking it will eat me alive! So what do I do?
Monday, November 3, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Well as the title says a lot of scary things have happend this month. William has kind of been the lab rat this month, going from doctor to doctor, having sonograms etc. Because the infection as they originally called it did not go away. Well after a really embarassing experience with the Male Fertility doctor we have come to find out that William has what is called Prostotitis. Basically he has extra white blood cells in his sperm. And they don't know if he really does have an infection or if he just has extra white blood cells. We don't know, but the doctor said he was putting him on this medication and vitamin E to help clear up what has been going on. So basically after this month William and I are EVEN (for right now) when it comes to things we have done to try to have a baby.
So I know your thinking , "Now that is not so scary" the scary part has to do with me. Well I was told at the doctors as you probably remember that I was going to be allowed to take clomid this month and next month as long as I ovulated. Well last Thursday (day 23) I got an unfortunate surprise, I got my period. Which I thought was really strange. I knew something was wrong, because I was supposed to go in that Friday to get my progesterone level tested to see if I ovulated. Well when I went in on Friday I told the nurse what was going on and she said she wasn't sure what was wrong, but I SHOULDN'T have gotten my period. But she said lets do the blood test and see what the results tell us. Well the results came back and my number was "NON OVULATORY" So the nurse said that the plan is to give me a few weeks off and when William comes in again to do another S.A. to come with him and we would sit down and go over what was going to happen next. She said that we were moving on to shots. And I don't know if I ever told you guys but I am TERRIFIED of shots!!! And the idea of myself or William administering them to myself is horrifying!!
I was talking to a friend the other day, saying that sometimes when you have wanted something for so long and you keep being rejected, eventually you kind of want to give up. And that is how I feel I kind of want to give up. And I know that sounds ridiculous when some of you have gone through so much more. But I am REALLY scared of the needles. I want to keep trying so I decided what I need some guidance from those of you out there who have been through this stage. I want to know what to expect. I need preparation for what exactly is going to happen. So if you would help me with that, it would good. You see because this is NOT a battle that I nor William want to be defeated in, so we just need some help.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
So here I go with the lengthy update...
Well about the 3rd week into my cycle I started feeling really tired, and nauziated. So of course I told myself "Don't get too excited Stephanie, it is too soon." But as all of you know you just can't help but get excited. By the time my last week started I was convinced that I was. But on day 29 my period came. So I was heart broken. So William finished the antibiotics this past Monday and it was also day 5, so time for my monthly probing. (I know TMI) but anyway. So since William was done with his antibiotics it he needed to make a "deposit" as I call it. Also our dr. told us that we will be allowed to stay on clomid only for this cycle and the next and then we are moving on. So that was a lot to take in. As you can see we had an eventful Monday.
Well I called Tuesday morning to get the preliminary results of the test. Our nurse said that unfortunately not all of it cleared up, but it shouldn't effect us from trying normally, without including an IUI. Now this is obviously my irrational side, but I felt that we go ahead and do an IUI so that we COULD get pregnant. But that is not how our Dr. felt, he seems to be confident that we should be able to get pregnant on our own.
So our nurse called Wednesday and said she spoke with our dr. and he wanted us to be referred to the Male Infertility dr. in our clinic. So we have an appointment this coming Thursday. So hopefully we will know more soon! I promise I will write in and let you know what happens soon.
Monday, September 15, 2008
I know this is kind of short but I just wanted to update you guys.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
This blog has been such a blessing! It has been a form of therapy to type my thoughts out and get them OUT of my head. And I have been able to share my story with others just as I get to hear other's stories who are going through the same thing. I am glad that I am able to share my story with all of you. And I love the support that I get from all of you. There is just something about talking with people who know EXACTLY what we are going through!!!
If you ever have any questions or ever need to talk please email me !!! firstname.lastname@example.org. Thank you for all of your kind thoughts and sharing your stories with me!
Hopefully I will be able to share some more news with you ASAP!
Well as you know this past Monday I had my monthly ultrasound, and William was getting tested. As you know this was an EXTREMELY awkward experience for not just him but for me as well, but we decided to walk in confident hand in hand, thinking that no matter what happens God will help us get throught it. This appointment had to of been the most stressful up to this point. My thinking was that if William ended up being ok then that is GREAT, but if there was something wrong, at least we know.
So this is how the appointment went... The nurse called me back for my ultrasound and took William where he needed to go, so I had to sit in the ultrasound room all by myself for what felt an ETERNITY!!! Til William finally joined me and of course as soon as he came in I drilled him with questions!! Then the Dr. came in and did our monthly ritual. Things looked good this was our 4th month of ovulating in a row. I proceeded to ask the following questions after he was done:
-So what is our plan (meaning how many more months am I allowed to be on Clomid)?
Dr: You will take Clomid about 3 more times permitting that you continue to ovulate.
-What happens next after we can't take Clomid anymore?
Dr: Once we are done with Clomid we will move on to shots which is a more aggressive method.
-Do you think there is something wrong with William?
Dr: No I don't think so, sometimes Clomid helps and then other times after taking it for long periods of time it makes your uterus a not so good place for an egg to nest.
Once I asked all of my questions the Dr. then asked us if we had had William tested, we proceeded to tell him that we had JUST done it! He then asked us if we could wait around for about an hour becuase some of the results will be ready. He told us to go sit back out in the waiting room and either the nurse would come if things looked good, or he would come out if there was something wrong. After he left the room I just kind of lost it a little bit, I just sat there and cried. I wondered how did we get to this point. I told William I am so SCARED of the shots, I HATE needles!!!!! But I finally composed myself and we headed out to the waiting room.
So we tried to be calm and focus on the blessing that we would be able to get some of the results back so soon. We waited about 30-45 minutes and then the door finally opened and it was the Dr. a lump began to form in my throat thinking all the horrible things it could be, but I decided that it could be something small.
So of course both of our minds were racing as we followed the Dr. into a small room we had never been in before. He started out on a positive, William's count was really GOOD. So I was thanking God for that. But then he proceeded to tell us that there was something up and there were a few ways things could go. If this little issue could be cleared up by the prescription the Dr. wrote him we could continue on our merry way. If it does not clear up in 3 weeks on the prescription then he has to go see a special Dr. And lastly if the rest of the test results say it is something that can't be fixed then he would incorporate an IUI. So as you can imagine we have been praying for patience this whole week trying to wait to get the rest of the results, we are hoping we will get them tomorrow.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Unfortunately its arrival has sent a certain things into motion. The first is I obviously need to go get an ultrasound done on Monday. Fun, Fun! And well another serious thing must happen. You see these past few months William, Dr. W. ,and I having discussing William getting tested. Well this month was the cut off point, both William & I decided if I did not get pregnant this month we would get him tested. So guess what he has to do on Monday!!! And I am sure that all of you reading this have gone through this either in my shoes or William's. I feel so bad! But I know it has to be done. I know this has to be so hard for William, and it means the world to me that he would do this despite how uncomfortable and awkward it will be. I just love him so much and I thank God for him EVERY day!! There is no one more perfect for me, that could be there for me during this difficult time. He is truly amazing! Any way if anyone has some words of wisdom for us about what is coming ahead of us, please share!
And as usual thank you so much for all the kind thoughts and check-ins. I love my blog family!
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I was talking to one of my best friends, Annie, today and she brought up a really good point, and that is where my positive attitude stems from. She said for a normal person who ovulates regularly it takes a couple months to get pregnant. Good thinking I know! I can always count on her for a positive outlook!!!
Well I guess it is back to work for now , Open House is Thursday night so I am very busy. I will keep you guys posted on what happens!!! Thanks for all the posts, I think that we are developing a little blog family support group!
Monday, August 25, 2008
|Make a Smilebox scrapbook|
Saturday, August 9, 2008
TIME TO CATCH UP
To bring everybody up to speed. I had a Dr. Appointment this past Wednesday (for my monthly probing ewwww) my MD said that the pain was normal (yeah right well it wasn't normal for me). He said it was most likely pain from ovulation. Overall everything is going good I started my next round of clomid so we will see how this month goes!!!
I have to say what really has been helping us lately is going to church on Sunday. It seems like every service speaks to us and gives us help in what we are going through.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Besides all my symptoms, my mind is Still RACING with baby thoughts. Yesterday was day 28, so the time to "pee on a stick" is drawing near, and I HATE taking pregnancy tests! No it is not because I pee all over my hand (I know TMI)! I have mastered the procedure of taking the test, I just hate the anxiety I get during those 3 minutes, knowing that I won't see those "two lines" . And this time I know the anxiety of those 3 minutes is going to be so much worse because of what has been going on this week. And nurse Sue said to take a test on Saturday, and William and I have decided that is when we will take one, I am TERRIFIED! Not only for my own feelings but for his, I just don't want to let him down again! And the worst part is my cycle during these past 6 months has been about 35 days ( I know that is really long and I am really screwed up!) so technically taking a test Saturday could be too early! We could get a negative result even if we were pregnant! So I don't know if I even want to take one on Saturday, but if I am pregnant I really would like to know!
I just want something amazing to happen to William and I! I know good things happen to us ALL the time, because we are blessed to have each other, good family and friends. That is why getting pregnant would be amazing, because I am getting to the point where I feel like it is impossible for me to ever get to mommy hood!
And what is so funny about ALL of this is "I am SUPPOSED to be trying to be as RELAXED as possible!" I don't think nurse Sue realized that I DON"T know how to RELAX!!
What would you guys do? Would you take the test on Saturday or hold out until Next Thursday?
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
You see I went this past Saturday for my monthly progesterone level check to see if I ovulated. Which I did 9.85 (Hoorah!!!). Anyway My favorite lab tech nurse, Jessica, was there she is always so nice and always puts me in a good mood. She always makes me laugh despite my anxiety of needles! And most importantly she knows how stressful it is to wait for test results so she tries to get them done the same day!! Which William and I so appreciate!!
Another reason that I love these wonderful folks is because of the following. Monday morning I woke up in severe pain, coming from my abdomen. Usually this week during my cycle I do get cramps but this pain was much worse!! I was miserable and scared that something was wrong, I decided that if the pain kept up until 8 AM I would call my doctors office! Well unfortunately it continued, I made the call and left a message for my nurse, Sue. She called me back by 8:30 AM. I explained what was going on and she patiently listened. She said that I might be having pains from ovulation or some part of that process, but that she would check with the doctor to see if I needed to come in (Of course she was very thorough in her explanation). She said to try and relax (RIGHT! HA!!) and to not do any intense activity and to call her if anything changed. Well I laid in bed for like 4 hours and could not take it anymore (props to all those women who are on bed rest or have been on bed rest!!), she said I could walk, so I decided to go do stuff around my classroom. As the day wore on the pain was still there, but not as strong, but still uncomfortable. I decided that it felt like I was on my period (i.e. bloated and crampy).
I survived Monday and this morning it did not hurt very bad at all, but I still hung out in bed as long as possible. And as I went about my daily routines, if I did too much activity it started to hurt a little. And all throughout yesterday and today my mind was RACING!!! I am wondering if there is an egg implanting? Is there more than 1 egg implanting (is that why it hurts so bad)? What if I am going through ALL of this and I am STILL not pregnant!! I don't know about the rest of you but I hate these drugs they give all the same symptoms to make you feel like you are pregnant even when you are not.
I am wondering if anyone out there has had these symptoms or has any idea what is wrong with me? If so please comment and let me know what you think.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
"They conceived through in vitro fertilization," a well-placed source within their camp tells Us. "They both desperately wanted more babies soon."The chance of having fraternal twins at Angelina's age (33) naturally is under 1 percent; with in vitro, the chances are 25 percent. Says Dr. Arthur Wisot of L.A.'s Reproductive Medical Group (who did not treat the couple), "We live in an era of reproductive freedom, so anybody can do anything they want within legal limits."The actress chose the procedure (which can cost around $12,000 a pop) so "she wouldn't have to deal with the stress of trying to get pregnant," the source tells Us. "She could just knock it out." http://wwtdd.com/
Well for us normal people i guess we will just have to put up with the stress and heartache. i wish i could just snap my fingers and have steph pregnant but i dont make stupid movies. This just pisses my off they already dont take care of the kids they have there just handbags to the stars. well im out before i put some really mean stuff on here.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
My Birthday Cake (William baked for me)
Matt & Grace
Chef WilliamOur Family
All of us Playing Rock Band (So Much Fun!!!)
So I am sure right now you are thinking, "It doesn't seem like things were THAT bad". Well today is Wednesday and yesterday I took my last ovulation test and I never saw that stupid smiley face!!! So I am super depressed and terrified at the same time because Saturday is my blood test and if I didn't ovulate I am sure our Dr. will call us in for a consult and go over what is next. That is whats scary I think whats next is surgery for me, and I am terrified. I never dreamed that getting pregnant would be this hard!!!! Why does life have to be so challenging!!!!
Friday, July 18, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
And I know that with all the issues that William and I are having with having a baby of our own, being around Michael should be hard. But in all honesty, we love being around him! We just love him so much! And it always puts us in a good mood when we are around him.
There are also a lot of other things going on that help us get through this trying time. First and fore most we just came back from a week long trip to Hiawassee, Ga (do you here the banjos??? hehehe j/k) with our best friends Grace & Matt and my husband's family. Which is another post in itself pictures included. I don't know how we would be able to get through this time without them!!! They are amazing!! Grace is my sister from another mother and is always there for me no matter what. Matt is always there for William whether it is to work on very demanding projects, like our boat, or just to hang out and have some fun. So I guess a big Thanks is due for Grace & Matt, Thank You for ALWAYS being there for us!! We Love You Guys!! Of course there are many other friends and family that provide us with the love and support that we need. So thank you to each and everyone of you, you know who you are. Especially Annie, Devin, Lauren, & Adam, who are also there for us and never forget to check and see how we are doing!! You guys are the BEST!!!!
So what are some other ways to not make this whole "baby making" thing the center of our lives? Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated!!