Saturday, November 15, 2008

Waiting for ORDERS and wondering Aimlessly!

Well this past week was fun and eventful! Right now we are still in the LIMBO stage because we have several steps to go through before the BIG appointment with my Dr. to see "What's Next". This week was step one, William made his "DEPOSIT" for lack of a better word. Next Thursday we will go in and talk with the Male Infertility Dr. to see if the medication worked and whatever else he may say (step 2). Then Next Monday for the week of Thanksgiving is the big step 3, where we will go in and talk with my DR. So I am glad the steps have gone into motion because I am very anxious to get to step three and see what is coming next. It's like I am in the military and I am trying to be patient to find out what the next plan, to DEFEAT the enemy (the enemy being "INFERTILITY"!

It has been so weird this month without taking the hormone drugs and having to count days, take ovulation tests, going in to get blood work done, and stressing about which days we should be doing what. This month I have really started to feel like I am NOT strong enough to finish out this journey. I know that I have to keep going because giving up is NOT an option right now but FEAR of the unknown has really set in. My friends both online and in person have tried to fill me in on what lies in store for me, sharing tips and secrets to get through. But with Christmas coming and no baby in sight I have become some what depressed, so much so that I think I need to see a counselor.

I read a friend's blog the other day, she was talking about how hard the holidays are when you are dealing with infertility and it really brought me to tears because I felt like she knew EXACTLY what I was feeling. The other day I told William that I wanted to "GO AWAY" for Christmas, just disappear and not have to endure all that comes along with it. I don't know why that would be appealing, like if we disappear Christmas won't hurt and I will not have to be sad, but the honest truth is no matter where we are on Christmas we will still be sad. We will still think about all the traditions that we do and how wonderful they would be to share with a child. What makes this whole thought process sad is that William and I love Christmas it is our favorite holiday! And the thought of NOT celebrating really makes us so sad, so we are torn.

I just don't know what to do with myself. I have realized that this infertility thing has become an obsession. ALL that I talk and think about! Which I think is WRONG. I am more than just a woman who is dealing with infertility. I am a wife, friend, sister, aunt, and teacher. But some how I have lost who I am in this whole mess of infertility. I used to be a person who was almost ALL the time HAPPY! Now it seems that I am MOSTLTY sad. Because during the moments of joy in my life underlying them is my pain. It doesn't take much for me to cry and I feel like I don't smile enough. I feel like the happy person that I once was is now lost in a battle with something that I don't know if I will beat. This whole thing has really taken OVER our lives, we are trying to stay a float but we are struggling to stay above it.

How do I stop thinking and talking about it? I am afraid if I stop talking it will eat me alive! So what do I do?

2 comments:

The Smiffy's (as one of my first graders likes to call me) said...

Stephanie,

I am praying for you. God wants to carry your burdens for you so badly. He does not want you to feel the pain you are feeling at this moment. He has allowed this whole experience to happen to you and he knows the outcome, but until then, he wants to hold you in his arms and comfort you.

Philipians 4:11-13 says, "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me!"

Wow. That is the word that comes to mind when I read these verses. Paul is the author of this book and he writes these words about contentment from a jail cell. We are so blessed in this life, but it can be so hard to see at times when we feel consumed with hardships.

God says to, "Shout joyfully to the LORD, all the earth; Break forth in song, rejoice, and sing praises. Sing to the LORD with the harp, With the harp and the sound of a psalm, With trumpets and the sound of a horn; Shout joyfully before the LORD, the King. Let the sea roar, and all its fullness, The world and those who dwell in it; Let the rivers clap their hands; Let the hills be joyful together before the LORD." - Psalm 98:4-8.

God is so faithful to us. We must praise him, even in the storm. Casting Crows, a great Christian band has a great song about just this ... "I will priase you in this storm and I will lift my hands, for you are who you are, no matter where I am. And every tear I cry, Lord you hold in your hands. You've never left my side and though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm."

So now that I have written a book for a comment, I want to leave you with this verse... "For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told" - Habakkuk 1:5.

God has amazing things planned for your life Steph. He is crafting and moldiing you into who he wants you to become. I love you and I am here for you - whatever you need.

Alex and Jill said...

I'm sorry you have been depressed. I find myself crying daily this time of year. I usually always follow a good cry with reading God's Word...He's the only One that can heal my hurting heart and so even if it's daily, I take it to Him.

I'll be praying for you guys this holiday season.

((HUGS))