~CHANGE~

I was catching up on my shows this morning and I was watching last weeks Brother's & Sisters. If you didn't already know this about me, I am a MAJOR TV junkie. I developed this addiction while we were trying it was a way to take my mind off everything we were going through and focus on the fictional comedies & drama's of television. Now I must say that if I did not have a DVR I would not be able to watch all my shows because I only watch them when I have time. Am I proud of this no, but everybody has their thing. =)

Cast of Brother's & SistersAnd a conversation between two of the sisters, Kitty & Sarah, really hit home for me.

Just to give you some background info about these two characters. As I said Sarah & Kitty are sisters, Sarah has two children of her own. Kitty on the other hand has been trying to get pregnant for a while and was pretty much told that there was not much else the Dr's could do for her and her husband. So they turned to adoption, they were blessed to find out that they were chosen by a birth mother and will be getting a baby very soon. So as you can imagine I identified with her character more.

So during the conversation this is what was said, "I spent so much time worrying about if it was ever going to happen. That I didn't have time to think about what it was going to be like when it did." "I keep telling myself that things are not going to change that much and EVERYTHING will change."

So your probably wondering where I am going with all these rantings. Well when I heard this I realized that I was facing some of the same issues. I keep saying that this is not what I thought pregnancy was going to be like and blah blah blah. And William & I have talked about what we think things will be like in September. But to be honest I think we are in store for an EYE OPENING experience. Because yes everything I thought being pregnant would be and feel like is not like what I have been feeling at all. I thought for sure that I would be sick and miserable. But that is not at all how I have felt. Yes I have been extremely moody (just ask my sweet hubby) and tired, but I have been so blessed not to be sick at all. And thus far I think I have had a wonderful pregnancy and I thank God for that every day!

So yeah I am TERRIFIED of all the changes that are coming both mine and William's way but I know that God will prepare us. In my opinion that is why it takes 9 months to have a baby. And why you start waking up several times in the night from the beginning every time nature calls. It is all God's way of preparing us for what is to come. So with realization I hope to keep my perspective and keep focused on the PRIZE "the blessing of a beautiful baby".

Oh yeah speaking of changes check out digital Eggie, he/she does not look like a sea monkey anymore!

My First REAL Dr.'s Appointment

Well yesterday was my first prenatal appointment. Leave it to me to have a hormonal breakdown while waiting for the doctor. I guess I was just nervous or whatever. Luckily I got myself back to some point of reality. That would be 2 for points for pregnancy. The last time that I had a hormonal breakdown was over boiled eggs. My poor husband. That is ALL I can say. But as usual I am off on a tangent.

So getting back on track the doctor said that when she wheeled my pregnancy that I was 7 weeks and 4 days when my records said 8 weeks. If you haven't noticed the picture of Eggie counting down to his/her arrival has gone back a week. And to be honest I was somewhat disappointed but looking back it really doesn't matter that much.

Over all the appointment went really well. Our little Eggie is doing wonderfully. We are so proud!! Once the appointment was over we set up appointments for the next 2 months and our next ultrasound hopefully where we will find out what gender the baby is!!! We are so excited!

As for how I have been feeling, I think that the baby growing process has finally caught up with me, because I am really tired and all I want to do is sleep.

Well Ladies and Gents I feel like this is a weak post so I promise I will post again soon I am just so TIRED.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful week!!

Some things happen that you don't have words for...

Of course as you can see from the size of the tiny little bar to the side that I have plenty of words to say. I first want to APOLOGIZE for falling off the blogging bandwagon and not posting for over two months, but you should know that I was still reading ALL of your blogs. I just got so wrapped up with school ending for Christmas break and then of course Christmas and then coming back to school for three days and then leaving for one of the most AMAZING football games of my life!!! But that is neither here nor there and the football game is a whole other post in itself, but I am going off on a tangent, let me refocus and CATCH you up on ALL that has been going on.

When I last posted I had told you ALL the details about our upcoming cycle. Well my good friend Aunt Flow who has EXCELLENT timing showed up Dec. 6 right before I walked into the Georgia Dome for the SEC Championship. While she did not hinder on my GREAT Time... We had to have an ultrasound either day 2 or 3. And since they said that they would prefer to see us on day 2 we had to head straight home after the game to be able to have an ultrasound the next morning before 8 AM. So that was EXHAUSTING but exciting to know that my cycle had FINALLY started.

So with the go ahead of the ultra sound we started our shots that Sunday. As you know I am DEATHLY afraid of shots so I was anxious about taking the first shot that Sunday night. Luckily William was playing nurse so he was the one actually looking at the needle. And as many of you know I had already been trained on the shots and had felt how the shot was going to feel but that had been almost a month prior so I had pretty much forgotten how it felt. So I had built up all this anxiety and fear by the time I had to actually get the shot. So as you can imagine I was FREAKING out and it didn't help that my darling husband was holding the needle like he was going to STAB me. So as soon as I saw the needle I started crying. Well I somewhat calmed down smacked the pillow on my head and said, " OK I am ready." And he said ok well as he got closer I Freaked and Screamed "NO NO WAIT I am NOT ready". He of course proceeded to laugh as I cried and we went around in this circle for about 3-5 minutes. Luckily the shots got easier as the week progressed.

I had my first blood test to check my hormone levels that Thursday Dec. 11th. Everything looked GREAT so they asked me to come back on Friday the 12th for my first ultrasound. I was so excited so was William but we went in knowing that we may need to do this process a few more times until they saw what they wanted to see. Well when our nurse looked on the left ovary things were not looking good there really had not been any eggs forming. And she wanted to start there because I told her that was where I was having the most pain. Well she proceeded to the right ovary and saw a somewhat small formed egg which was ok. Then she came upon and I am quoting her, "The PERFECT egg" It was 19 mm. It was so perfect that she printed us a picture and told us she would speak with our doctor to see if we would trigger that afternoon. So below is a picture of our "PERFECT egg". I proceeded to take this picture to school with me to show everyone the egg which from that day forward was named "Eggie".

So I received a phone call around lunch time that I would be taking my trigger shot that day at 5 pm. And then we would have our IUI that Sunday Dec. 14. We were so excited and nervous at the same time.


When Sunday finally came around we had not slept the night before because we were so excited and nervous. We showed up in the office @ 7:45 they took William's sample and told us to go have breakfast but be back at the office by 8:30. So that's what we did, I don't know how either of us had an appetite but we did. When we got back to the office we were beyond nervous. They took us back to the room and gave us some instructions for what to do. Since my doctor was not on call that weekend we were having another dr. do the procedure. Finally it was time William sat by my head as the dr. said, "See Whitehurst, Whitehurst" as he held up the sample container and the tube thing. I proceeded to ask ummm do you guys often mix up people's stuff???? Looking back I am sure that was a stupid question but at the time I was not thinking straight. And of course he answered with a "NO NO".



So after the procedure they had me lay there for about 10 minutes and told us we could go home. William immediately told me that I was going to spend the day in bed. And that is what I did. We were told by the nurses and dr. that we could take a pregnancy test on DEC. 28th. I felt like that day was never going to arrive. Not that I was anxious to take the test because I just knew that I was going to see the same thing I always see "not pregnant".


Well the day before Christmas Eve William asked me if I wanted to try and take a test early Christmas morning. I of course was extremely hesitant because I was afraid we would get a negative result and it would ruin Christmas. But I knew that this meant a lot to William too so I decided to be more positive like him and go with the mind set that if we do get a negative result it may not mean anything. But I did tell him that he was going to come with me to buy the test, for some reason I did not want to buy it alone.


It ended up that Christmas Eve night had arrived and we still had not bought a test yet. We decided to try and see if Walgreens was still open at 8:30. Amazingly it was so we walked to the isle and grabbed the one that says the words. And headed for the cashier. As we paid for our one item and were leaving the cashier said, "Good Luck". Which of course both of us said thanks, but thought was kind of funny.



Well as you can imagine we didn't get much sleep that night anxious to know what was going to happen. I would wake up every couple hours and see what time it was 12, 2, 4... Finally it was 6 AM and I decided it was time to take the test. I layed in bed for about ten minutes saying my last few prayers that I had said all night. Asking God for a Christmas Miracle. I finally got out of bed did what I had to do and crawled back in bed snuggled up close to William and looked at the clock it was 6:12. It felt like those 3 minutes flew by because I was not ready to look at the test and I don't think he was either but we got out of bed hand in hand and checked the test together. When we got there this is what we saw....






We stood there for a few minutes thinking that it was going to some how change. And suddenly say "NOT PREGNANT". Then it just hit me and I started crying and crying. I just was so shocked I could not believe it. All I could do was cry. Finally said OH MY GOSH I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! and he said I know. Then I said we have to tell Grace & Matt. So I continued to cry as I brushed my teeth.



Then I grabbed my camera deciding that I had to capture this moment. Despite my appearance. And here is the picture. Please know that it was like 6:15 when we took this just out of bed I know we look rough. (I can't believe I am putting this on the Internet!)







When we pulled into Grace & Matt's driveway we wondered if Matt would think we were some kind of Prowler and answer the door with his gun in hand. But we knocked on the door anyway. We knocked and knocked and finally Grace answered the door. We said HEY, she was like HEY, what's up. Finally William pulled out the pregnancy test and suddenly she started screaming and crying hugged me and we cried together right there on the back porch. Finally we decided to share the news with Matt and Michael who were still in bed. Once we were done celebrating. Grace decided we needed another picture to remember this wonderful morning! Below is the picture along with a picture of Grace & me.







We spent the rest of the day walking on a cloud. We went back home and opened our presents which we both agreed felt so small compared to the HUGE gift God had just blessed us with! After we were done at our house we headed to my parents where we had breakfast and opened presents. We finally told them once we were done. They are over joyed!!! We didn't tell his parents until Sunday because we wanted everyone to be together and his brother wasn't flying in until late Saturday. We finished Christmas day with my first Belly picture. I have to say I have ALWAYS wanted to do this. I know that I was not showing at I but I wanted a started point. In this picture I am 4 weeks.






Once we got the positive blood test Dec. 28th we had to wait until Jan. 12 to have the first ultra sound. On the way to the doctors office the car was silent all you could hear was William & I taking deep breaths, we were so nervous! And very afraid of what might happen. Of course the big elephant in the car with us was that we would be looking on the ultrasound and there wouldn't be anything there, but both of us tried to be positive.

When we got to the appointment the guy behind the counter said after I gave him my name, "That I did not have an appointment." I just about started to cry because I had my heart on seeing my baby that day. Luckily the lady who had put our appointment in the computer had put in the wrong code or something but I was still going to have my ultrasound that day.

When our doctor came in he started asking if I had been sick and a few more questions then he started to do the ultrasound. At first we did not see anything. Then he said," OK you see that black spot that is your uterus (don't think I spelled that right) And if I zoom in there is your baby, and if I am very still, there is the heart beat. As I layed there I saw 3 little blinks and all the stress and tension left me for that moment. When he was done he told us that our due date was September 4, 2009. And since we saw a heart beat there was a 95% chance that everything was going to be good. So we felt good. We left happy with our FIRST picture of our sweet Eggie.

*He or she is in between the two plus signs.*

I know this has been a lot to read and I am sorry, but I didn't want to just come back and post "I'm Pregnant" without sharing the wonderful journey of getting there. We feel so blessed to have our little Eggie. There is not a morning since that I have woken up and thanked God for ALL that he has blessed me with. It is truly a miracle that only he could bring into our lives. For those of you who are still trying I still remember the pain but know that every night I say a prayer for all of you just as you did for me. And all I can say is, it is in his time things happen.

I know it is easy now that I am pregnant to be positive, but I know that each and every one of you will be blessed with a child soon. You all are in my prayers and I will be posting soon.

Changes can be so EXCITING!!!

So I know it has been a while but I wanted to have all the NEW info before I updated everyone. Well last week, Thursday William and I went and saw his Dr. And the results are in that he is just one of those guys that will always have some of the white blood cells in his stuff. That being said we found out some very interesting things about our Dr. during the visit like he was a patient himself of infertility when his wife and him were trying to have a baby so he knows exactly what we are going through. Since he was so knowledgeable we asked what he recommend we try next. He recommended for no more than 2 IUI's and then IVF because he says we are excellent candidates. I don't know if we are going to follow this plan to a T but it was nice to get his input.

This past Monday we went to see my Dr. for a consultation about what will be happening next. And this is what is in store for us. First I will take some Provera to make my cycle start then I will have an ultra sound to give us the go ahead to start hormone shots. Then I will be closely monitored and when the timing is just right I will have to take my trigger shot. Then 2 days later we will have an IUI. So that is what is next in a NUT shell!

So how do we feel about ALL of this.... well I would have to say good! We seem to think that it will REALLY work this time because they will have ALL our issues under control. So us being naive and hopeful. Are hoping that we will pregnant by the NEW YEAR!!! I know I know we are getting our hopes WAY too up. BUT hey at least we are optimistic. So of course I will keep you updated on what happens. Because everything is TBD.

But I would like say that today is a good day, because as tradition unfolds today we can start decorating for Christmas! We will get our Christmas tree, go out to a special dinner and go see a Christmas move. This year the movie is "4 Christmases" I am SO EXCITED!!!! So I hope everyone has a WONDERFUL rest of Thanksgiving holiday!!

Waiting for ORDERS and wondering Aimlessly!

Well this past week was fun and eventful! Right now we are still in the LIMBO stage because we have several steps to go through before the BIG appointment with my Dr. to see "What's Next". This week was step one, William made his "DEPOSIT" for lack of a better word. Next Thursday we will go in and talk with the Male Infertility Dr. to see if the medication worked and whatever else he may say (step 2). Then Next Monday for the week of Thanksgiving is the big step 3, where we will go in and talk with my DR. So I am glad the steps have gone into motion because I am very anxious to get to step three and see what is coming next. It's like I am in the military and I am trying to be patient to find out what the next plan, to DEFEAT the enemy (the enemy being "INFERTILITY"!

It has been so weird this month without taking the hormone drugs and having to count days, take ovulation tests, going in to get blood work done, and stressing about which days we should be doing what. This month I have really started to feel like I am NOT strong enough to finish out this journey. I know that I have to keep going because giving up is NOT an option right now but FEAR of the unknown has really set in. My friends both online and in person have tried to fill me in on what lies in store for me, sharing tips and secrets to get through. But with Christmas coming and no baby in sight I have become some what depressed, so much so that I think I need to see a counselor.

I read a friend's blog the other day, she was talking about how hard the holidays are when you are dealing with infertility and it really brought me to tears because I felt like she knew EXACTLY what I was feeling. The other day I told William that I wanted to "GO AWAY" for Christmas, just disappear and not have to endure all that comes along with it. I don't know why that would be appealing, like if we disappear Christmas won't hurt and I will not have to be sad, but the honest truth is no matter where we are on Christmas we will still be sad. We will still think about all the traditions that we do and how wonderful they would be to share with a child. What makes this whole thought process sad is that William and I love Christmas it is our favorite holiday! And the thought of NOT celebrating really makes us so sad, so we are torn.

I just don't know what to do with myself. I have realized that this infertility thing has become an obsession. ALL that I talk and think about! Which I think is WRONG. I am more than just a woman who is dealing with infertility. I am a wife, friend, sister, aunt, and teacher. But some how I have lost who I am in this whole mess of infertility. I used to be a person who was almost ALL the time HAPPY! Now it seems that I am MOSTLTY sad. Because during the moments of joy in my life underlying them is my pain. It doesn't take much for me to cry and I feel like I don't smile enough. I feel like the happy person that I once was is now lost in a battle with something that I don't know if I will beat. This whole thing has really taken OVER our lives, we are trying to stay a float but we are struggling to stay above it.

How do I stop thinking and talking about it? I am afraid if I stop talking it will eat me alive! So what do I do?

Fun Filled Saturday!

In my attempt to talk about other things in life that have nothing to do with baby making, because on top of all this baby making business William and I have a very busy life! Almost every weekend is jam packed with activities with friends and family. By Sunday afternoon we wonder in exhaustion where the weekend went and we can't wait until Friday is here again!

This weekend was extra special because it was the weekend of FLORIDA VS. GEORGIA. For those of you who don't really keep up with SEC college football, this is a HUGE game for both teams. Next to Florida State, Georgia is our next big rival. Both teams meet on neutral ground (Jaguar Stadium), in Jacksonville, FL, and play a hard cor football game. It has been this way for a VERY long time. And so being the HUGE Gator fans that William and I are we travel up to Jacksonville every year to watch them play.

This year we rode up and tailgated with our Good friends Annie, Devin, Adam, & Lauren. Annie and Lauren set up the most adorable tailgating site. And Devin and Adam cooked up some yummy schish ca bobs (please excuse the spelling error). Over all it was a GREAT time!!!! The Best part of course was when the Gators STOMPED Georgia.

I realized later that night that one of the many reason's I love going to Gator games is because it is 4 hours or sometimes more of no talk of babies and I am happy to say I like it.

Below I have posted some pictures from this weekend:

William & I

Me, Annie (baby Belle), & Lauren

yummy food

Annie & I enjoying our Pixie Stixs

Scary things REALLY do happen in OCTOBER!!!

So I know I have been the words worst blogger this month. I am having a real hard time making time for our blog. And I need to be posting because it is sort of theraputic to write out what is going on in life as well as with our baby making process. So I am making a promise to all of you who read our blog as well as to myself to at least post once a week with either life news or baby making news.

Well as the title says a lot of scary things have happend this month. William has kind of been the lab rat this month, going from doctor to doctor, having sonograms etc. Because the infection as they originally called it did not go away. Well after a really embarassing experience with the Male Fertility doctor we have come to find out that William has what is called Prostotitis. Basically he has extra white blood cells in his sperm. And they don't know if he really does have an infection or if he just has extra white blood cells. We don't know, but the doctor said he was putting him on this medication and vitamin E to help clear up what has been going on. So basically after this month William and I are EVEN (for right now) when it comes to things we have done to try to have a baby.

So I know your thinking , "Now that is not so scary" the scary part has to do with me. Well I was told at the doctors as you probably remember that I was going to be allowed to take clomid this month and next month as long as I ovulated. Well last Thursday (day 23) I got an unfortunate surprise, I got my period. Which I thought was really strange. I knew something was wrong, because I was supposed to go in that Friday to get my progesterone level tested to see if I ovulated. Well when I went in on Friday I told the nurse what was going on and she said she wasn't sure what was wrong, but I SHOULDN'T have gotten my period. But she said lets do the blood test and see what the results tell us. Well the results came back and my number was "NON OVULATORY" So the nurse said that the plan is to give me a few weeks off and when William comes in again to do another S.A. to come with him and we would sit down and go over what was going to happen next. She said that we were moving on to shots. And I don't know if I ever told you guys but I am TERRIFIED of shots!!! And the idea of myself or William administering them to myself is horrifying!!
I was talking to a friend the other day, saying that sometimes when you have wanted something for so long and you keep being rejected, eventually you kind of want to give up. And that is how I feel I kind of want to give up. And I know that sounds ridiculous when some of you have gone through so much more. But I am REALLY scared of the needles. I want to keep trying so I decided what I need some guidance from those of you out there who have been through this stage. I want to know what to expect. I need preparation for what exactly is going to happen. So if you would help me with that, it would good. You see because this is NOT a battle that I nor William want to be defeated in, so we just need some help.