Waiting for ORDERS and wondering Aimlessly!

Well this past week was fun and eventful! Right now we are still in the LIMBO stage because we have several steps to go through before the BIG appointment with my Dr. to see "What's Next". This week was step one, William made his "DEPOSIT" for lack of a better word. Next Thursday we will go in and talk with the Male Infertility Dr. to see if the medication worked and whatever else he may say (step 2). Then Next Monday for the week of Thanksgiving is the big step 3, where we will go in and talk with my DR. So I am glad the steps have gone into motion because I am very anxious to get to step three and see what is coming next. It's like I am in the military and I am trying to be patient to find out what the next plan, to DEFEAT the enemy (the enemy being "INFERTILITY"!

It has been so weird this month without taking the hormone drugs and having to count days, take ovulation tests, going in to get blood work done, and stressing about which days we should be doing what. This month I have really started to feel like I am NOT strong enough to finish out this journey. I know that I have to keep going because giving up is NOT an option right now but FEAR of the unknown has really set in. My friends both online and in person have tried to fill me in on what lies in store for me, sharing tips and secrets to get through. But with Christmas coming and no baby in sight I have become some what depressed, so much so that I think I need to see a counselor.

I read a friend's blog the other day, she was talking about how hard the holidays are when you are dealing with infertility and it really brought me to tears because I felt like she knew EXACTLY what I was feeling. The other day I told William that I wanted to "GO AWAY" for Christmas, just disappear and not have to endure all that comes along with it. I don't know why that would be appealing, like if we disappear Christmas won't hurt and I will not have to be sad, but the honest truth is no matter where we are on Christmas we will still be sad. We will still think about all the traditions that we do and how wonderful they would be to share with a child. What makes this whole thought process sad is that William and I love Christmas it is our favorite holiday! And the thought of NOT celebrating really makes us so sad, so we are torn.

I just don't know what to do with myself. I have realized that this infertility thing has become an obsession. ALL that I talk and think about! Which I think is WRONG. I am more than just a woman who is dealing with infertility. I am a wife, friend, sister, aunt, and teacher. But some how I have lost who I am in this whole mess of infertility. I used to be a person who was almost ALL the time HAPPY! Now it seems that I am MOSTLTY sad. Because during the moments of joy in my life underlying them is my pain. It doesn't take much for me to cry and I feel like I don't smile enough. I feel like the happy person that I once was is now lost in a battle with something that I don't know if I will beat. This whole thing has really taken OVER our lives, we are trying to stay a float but we are struggling to stay above it.

How do I stop thinking and talking about it? I am afraid if I stop talking it will eat me alive! So what do I do?